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Mar. 22nd, 2005 @ 04:49 pm (no subject)
“We have to hurry,” she whispered to him, breathless from the danger and the tightness of her dress, “my kids will be home soon.” He stirred as she slipped her house key into the lock, deft and graceful. It slipped in without resistance and she turned the knob noiselessly, the door swinging open and revealing the perfect suburban home. The kind of home that only a housewife can make: sterile, yet warm, with everything perfectly matched and the scent of baked goods hanging in the air.

Suddenly, he wanted her even more. She had been something, sitting at the bar, her blue dress painted thin and even over the expanse of her hips. Sipping at a Cosmopolitan and chain smoking those skinny cigarettes rich women buy, leaving blood red stains on each discarded stub. God he had wanted her then, with her fallen woman smoke rings, a slice of mystery so rare in this midwestern town.

But now, the thought of her rich and powerful husband in his office across town dreaming of her martinis, her blonde children in their classrooms dreaming of her cookies, made his heart race and his blood rise. She was someone’s wife, someone’s mommy, a wearer of pink sweat suits and a watcher of rec league soccer games. They knew her as an untouched, perfect domestic angel. But he knew her other side too. The side that squeezed into blue cocktail dresses and picked up blue collar boys on the dole for an afternoon romp on her expensive, Laura Ashley bed sheets.

His hands went to her body and she smiled, self-possessed in her desires. She moaned softly as she let his calloused hands paw at her softness, slipping over the satin of that little blue dress. But she caught them when he went for the zipper and led him, wordless, into the kitchen for another drink.

Moments later, with two tall whiskey glasses empty and lying in her gleaming sink, she had led him down the stairs into a warm basement finished with rich wood paneling linoleum floors arranged to look like tiles of art deco marble. He had tried to stop her at the bedroom, the thought of having her in her husband’s king sized bed was so attractive to him that he considered leaving when she laughed him off. He had only relented at her breezy explanation that she hated the lace curtains and the overly cushy bed, and that she’d had a special room built for her specific interests when it came to sex.

She slid a false bookshelf to the left and led him into another room, darker and carpeted with plastic tarpaulins. She sat him on a small cot and excused herself behind a metal partition. The effects of all that whiskey had started to take its toll on him, his muscles loose and non-compliant. He worried for a moment that he’d had too much liquor to perform, but when she walked back from behind the partition with nothing but a leather apron pulled taut against the milky white of her body, he discovered that he was in perfect working order.

She sat herself in his lap and allowed for a few more moments of his rough handed pawing, before pushing him down against the mat and making quick work of the manacles hanging at its sides. He struggled against them lamely for a minute, but the whiskey had made him heavy and soft and slow. Besides, the sight of that soft blonde hair spilling around the neck of that apron, and the swell of her large breasts from below it made him forget about the bondage. If she was going to let him touch her, to feel her, she could do it any way she pleased.

“Would you like a blindfold,” she’d asked him, her eyes shining as she held up a tiny piece of fabric, “or do you like to watch?” It wasn’t until she reappeared from behind that partition for the third time, this time carrying a hacksaw, that he realized he shouldn’t have declined that thin strip of satin.

“We have to hurry,” she whispered, “my kids will be home soon.”
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Jan. 28th, 2005 @ 07:58 pm Fucking Sick
Current Mood: out of my gourd
I've got an absolute fucking bitch of a headache. The kind were it feels like I've got something fairly largish swirling a bunch of three inch thick tentacles around in my gray matter. The only thing that works on this leggy bastard is drugging the absolute shit out of it, the pharmaceutical equivalent of beating my brain with a rusty crowbar.

You can imagine what comes of that.
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Jan. 27th, 2005 @ 07:13 pm rabbit hole
Current Mood: weird
This morning I woke up in the body of a fat bag of a hooker somewhere east of Poughkeepsie, Arkansas. My ratted hair was full of something slick that felt disturbingly like AstroGlide, and I had someone’s underwear stuck to my ass, but given the state of the room I was in I couldn’t be certain it was my own. There was an old man with hairy ankles passed out on the bed in a pink teddy and a gorilla mask. The end of a purple vibrating dildo was visible just below the hem of the teddy and was spinning in slow circles inside the abused remains of his rectum.

As I peeled the dubious panties off my ass and tried to use them to blot the Astroglide out of my hair, I thought fleetingly about my stacks of bills, the car with the shit transmission, the pervert boss. All of it. I got up and grabbed the money off the dresser, flipping through the sticky bills, wondering just how much money it would cost to get a decent dye job and a cute pair of stiletto boots. Judging from the wads in my hand and hair respectively, it was going to be a few more nights like this one.

Maybe, I thought as I opened the door and caught sight of all those damn chinchillas, maybe the words “anyone else, anywhere else” were just a little too vague.
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Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 05:12 pm meme whore
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:cookiepaper
Your haiku:gone all except for
one clutched in hands that were
fully hers again
Username:
Created by Grahame
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Jan. 20th, 2005 @ 04:20 pm The Acupuncturist
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: a case of you - joni mitchell
At one o'clock this afternoon, I was laying on my back, naked as the day I was born, with 10 or 15 hair-thin needles sticking out of my belly, legs and feet. On my right side, was Sara, a tall, blonde Sufi, graying at her temples, cross-legged and barefoot taking notes on the flow of energy through my body. And all I could think about, besides a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich, was how on earth I'd ended up there.

I got to her place at noon, she took my shoes and hung up my coat and ushered me in. It was warm and there were beautiful things everywhere. Vases, sculpture, tapestries. She handed me a cup of hot green tea and sat me in an over stuffed chair and made me start talking. Made me start explaining pains and swellings and episodes of severe edema that I'd been taking for granted for years. I accepted the misery that was living in my body a long time ago, so much so that I barely mention my disease to anyone but those who are the closest to me. Explaining how it makes me feel, emotionally, to feel so rotten, physically, to a complete stranger, was utterly foreign and slightly uncomfortable. But she nodded, and clucked and cooed in all the right places. She listened. And she cared. She asked me about my dreams, and seemed completely fascinated by the lucidity and detail I was describing.

She showed me the needles, outlined a treatment plan, explained what the treatments would do for me, what I could expect from them. And then we started. None of the needles hurt, except the last one, in my left ankle. That one was hot agony, and my whole foot felt like a sadistic tailor's pin cushion. From one needle. I screamed. She took it out, soothed my foot and put it back in. Less pain this time, just heat. And then the heat melted out and I relaxed. I stared at her ceiling, one of those textured jobs with the plaster melting into giant swirls. And I fell asleep.

She woke me 20 minutes later and took out the needles. And when I sat up, I realized that I didn't hurt. At all. Anywhere. I had forgotten what that feels like. What it feels like to be normal.

It wasn't completely perfect. I was a little put off by her devotion to Sufism. I'm a little put off by extreme devotion to any religion. She didn't push it at me, but she talked about it, the way people do when things are important to them. But she was kind, and she was open, and her eyes smiled when she talked. And she laughed and clapped when I hopped off the table like a 23 year old after having climbed up onto it like 80 year old woman only 20 minutes before.

I'm going back next Saturday. Because, almost three hours later, I still feel fantastic. Relaxed and well. Pain-free. Normal.

I'd lay on my back for hours a day, with a thousand needles poking out of my skin, just to feel that way a little longer.
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Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 06:02 pm Linguistic Calisthenics
And it begins. The itching, like hatchling spiders in her fingers. Hot, fast spiders. Lightening spiders. She tries to quiet them, intently eating a gas station banana, its overripe brown sliding slick and sweet down her throat, but the spiders increased their frenzied scuttling and her fingers grew itchier.

She began to rub her hands over each other, her jagged fingernails scrabbling over the flesh on each opposite hand. She wanted to scratch harder, tear the flesh, watch little beads of blood rise up on the pale surface of her hands and pool and drip down, soaking into the floor and taking the spiders with it.

But she was afraid to scratch herself open, to subject herself to such brutality. Besides, she wasn’t actually insane, no matter what other people seemed to think, and knew that just because it felt like there were spiders in her fingers, that it didn’t mean that there were. Scratching herself open would likely leave her both itchy and bloody, which really wasn’t any improvement.

Without her permission, her hands ducked into her bag and, guided by muscle memory, came up quickly with a paperboard notebook and a sharp wooden pencil. No sooner than her insubordinate fingers wrapped themselves tightly around the pencil and flipped the book open did the flocks of birds appear. Ravens, crows, sparrows, wood thrushes and something small and black and unidentifiable. In the open field across the street, which she was certain had been empty before, hundreds of thousands of birds sat, silent on the ground, staring at her with craned necks and tense wings, waiting.

She exhaled, and released and felt herself swallowed by the familiar and unpleasant sensation of those little lightening spiders spreading through her blood stream. What started as merely itchy and eventually insubordinate fingers marched through her body conquering every last available inch of space until no part of her was still under her power. It didn’t feel the way she imagined possession would. She wasn’t gone or displaced. Just shoved to the side, while something else did the driving.

She watched from the back of her head as her hands began scribbling on the paperboard notebook. As had happened every time before, the moment the scribbling started those thousands of birds took off and flooded the skies with their dark, screaming bodies. She could hear, vaguely as if through miles of densely packed cotton, the sounds of brakes squealing, metal tearing and glass shattering. The sudden up rush of the birds always startled motorists, and their spasmodic diving and circling always caused its fair share of vehicle accidents.

She had looked up birds in the library once, when she still cared to find out what was happening to her and why. She learned that they were often regarded as portents, omens. The crows and ravens especially. Despite the fact that some of the more optimistic articles she’d read asserted that birds could serve as good omens instead of bad, hers were always horrible. The sound of a vehicle careening off the nearby roadway served to underscore this fact.

And just as suddenly as she had been infested, she was alone again, all traces of lightening spiders and screeching birds and unbearable itchiness were gone. All, except for one. Clutched in hands that were fully hers again was a paperboard notebook smeared with the remnants of a gas station banana and wooden pencil whose tip had been broken by the force with which her hands had pressed it to the paper. The notebook was open to a page covered with jagged, thick and almost entirely illegible characters. Amidst the mess and the foreign languages that sometimes appeared as a product of the spiders were three words in clear, plain English: “We. Are. Fucked.”

And it begins.
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Dec. 12th, 2004 @ 02:18 pm Requisite Christmas Bitching
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Mary Prankster - New Tricks
Every year since I was 15 or so, it has taken an extra 12 to 24 hours for me to get excited about the holidays. It's thirteen days before Christmas and I'm still waiting to be really amped for it. Right now the house is about 1/4 cleaned and 1/2 decorated. 99% of the gift shopping is done, 0% of the grocery shopping is done. Nothing is wrapped. Mike and I both have head colds and right now he's passed out on top of the bed surrounded by a tangle of bedding and piles of unwashed laundry all over the floor. I'm trying to find the motivation to finish picking up the living room so we can vacuum and dust. And right now, I just don't give a shit. All I want to do is sit on the couch and watch "Wicker Man."

It's a wonderment to me that anyone over thirty actually enjoys the holidays. And I wonder if having kids makes the general malaise and overwhelming stress better or worse.

I'm just feeling ever so Charlie Brown-y right now. "I just don't understand Christmas. I know I should feel happy, but I just end up feeling let down."

Damn skippy, Chuck. Damn skippy.
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Dec. 10th, 2004 @ 07:07 pm (no subject)
I want to play god.

I will murder your children one by one as you wail in the face of my pitilessness. I will send the armies of the godless nations to rape your women and plunder your villages, and I will smile in my glee. I will burn your homes in my purifying fires. I will turn your families to salt in the name of appeasing my righteous anger. And I will afflict you with leprosy to test your love.

Then I will listen to your prayers, your devotions and your lamentations, all wailed through the mass of infected pus that has replaced your face. And I will laugh. I will laugh and laugh and laugh until tears stream from my holy eyes and down upon your frightened head. And you shall be drowned in the flood of my almighty displeasure.

All because you couldn’t stop interrupting me on the fucking telephone.
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Dec. 9th, 2004 @ 05:02 pm Dreams
Last night I dreamt I was in Hell. And Hell, as I have always suspected, and as it turns out, is a giant outdoor airport terminal in the middle of Arizona. So I stood there in eternal wait, the terminal filling up with people I hate and emptying them out just as quickly. My only friend was a bodiless lhasa apso with a penchant for skating around on nickels glued to its neck hole. And everything smelt of freshly poured yeast media petri dishes.

And you were there. And you . And you . And you .

Eventually, I was picked up by my own personal demon who would spend eternity alternately beating me and salving my wounds with hot fudge sundaes. Except on Wednesday when I would be taken on cultural field trips such as WWF Smack Down and Jerry Springer tapings.
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Dec. 6th, 2004 @ 12:49 am Double X Dissertation
Current Mood: sexy
For [info]evilgnomepowers and [info]pemberleya

I am not tremendously feminine. I rarely wear make up and almost never brush my hair. I smoke a lot and I swear even more. I drink out of the carton, and when there’s no one around I eat dinner directly over the sink. My mother is forever going on about my habit of wearing men’s deodorant and eschewing proper foundation garments.

But despite my lack of femininity, I have never felt less than utterly female. Soft skin melting into the curve of breasts and hips. The small point of my chin, the tiny freckles dotted on white shoulders like nutmeg on cream.

I’m not an ugly girl, but I’m also rarely the prettiest girl in the room. But I am sexy and I know it as well as I know my height, my weight, my birthday, my name.

But what makes me sexy? What makes any woman sexy? Is it the way her ass looks in a tight skirt, or the perfect form of her calves in her most ridiculously uncomfortable shoes? Sometimes. Is it the way she smells, or the way s she carries herself? Yes. But.

I’m sexy because of the way I lay in a hot bath until I prune beyond recognition. I’m sexy because I sit unflinching in front of the bloodiest horror gore fest. I’m sexy because I pull my favorite books out of the stack at the comic book store and sit reading them behind the counter, in the little chair there just for me. I’m sexy because I love the way my stiff fingers feel tapping lightly on the hard smoothness of my keyboard. Because I laugh louder than I should. Because I drink my tequila straight. Because I love people just a little bit more than I should. Because stray animals and starving people and toyless children make me cry like a baby. Because I know I’m sexy and if you don’t like it you can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.
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Dec. 2nd, 2004 @ 11:16 pm christmas entertainment
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/frost_sabotage.asp
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Dec. 2nd, 2004 @ 06:04 pm (no subject)
The headaches had been growing steadily worse and the clichés he used to describe them increasingly more bizarre. His vision had finally stopped tunneling, but that had given way to a certain smeariness, as if someone had rubbed Vaseline directly on his eyeballs. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets, the smearing giving way to wavy starbursts and vaguely menacing shapes that reminded him of gaping, toothy mouths. The tumor was getting bigger, and when he put his fingers to the back of his head, he could actually feel it pulsing there, just below his skull, strangling the brain bits in its path.

He decided to call it Clyde.
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Dec. 1st, 2004 @ 05:13 pm fuck tylenol
I’ve been toying with the thought of bone extraction. How nice it would be to remove my skull piece by piece and bit-by-bit so that when my brain swells up with these voracious alien headaches at least it wouldn’t bang into anything. And then, instead of doing drugs to entertain myself, I could just have someone jab at my forehead.

I think, while I’m at it, I’ll take my eyeballs out as well. Just shoot a local into each one and then pop them out with a teaspoon. I can install some telescoping camera lenses in their place, and jack those straight into my newly exposed brain. ‘Wow, your eyes are beautiful! Nikon, right?’
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Nov. 29th, 2004 @ 05:05 pm repost from another journal in another time
Where have I gone?

Sitting in that same traffic of SUVs and work trucks on that same stretch of highway, slapping the same spot on my face, struggling to open my heavy eyelids against the early morning gray. Everyday.

Knocking back the necessary No-Doze, washed down a warm throat with half a bottle of warmer fruit punch. Un-refrigerated. Septic.

With the windows open and the air conditioner on, windy in the dusty cab of my Echo, sleeveless arms cold in the September air.

Cat Stevens sings to me. Bob Dylan sings to me. The Beatles sing somewhere above me and beyond me, the impossible patterns of “Across the Universe” sliding backwards through damaged speakers, swallowed by the dash of my car.

Jai Guru Deva Om.

The Beatle-babble continues and my morning morphs and shifts, a small ball of mercury manipulated by magnets and rods. Super-real, unreal, surreal. Salvador Dali and David Lynch masturbating frantically, depositing their strange dream-seed into a dirty Styrofoam cup, stirred with the broken ends of number 2 pencils. I am become Eraserhead, melter of clocks!

I poke absently at the thumb-sized dimple under my lower lip. It hurts. The pain is sharp and phantom, no swelling or discoloration to indicate it. But it bears the unmistakable feel of a quill pressed through the flesh below my mouth, a tribal marker befitting a goddess.

My dreaming has seeped into my waking.

The purple haze of the dream smoke burns off when I reach the office, under the glower of fluorescent lights and corporate casual coworkers. I pour my coffee and sit smiling in my cube, pink tongue gently tracing that pain beneath my lip.
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Nov. 29th, 2004 @ 03:54 pm Music in dark bedrooms always makes me feel like high school
My fiancé finally got his new I-pod yesterday. Sexy little song box. Last night we lay side-by-side on our backs in the dark, the soft glow of the I-pod’s LCD the only light in the room. He put one of the buds in my ear and while he played solitaire, I listened contentedly to “Ziggy Stardust” and watched the highway high beams make the bald tree skeleton silhouettes dance lazily across the ceiling.
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Nov. 28th, 2004 @ 12:09 pm we now return to your regularly scheduled programing
Current Mood: amused
as it turns out, the reunion was not the horror i has originally anticpated. apparently, all the people i disliked in high school really are assholes and all the people i liked really weren't. sadly, i was forced to speak to some of said assholes, one in particular who was deeply surprised that 1) i don't have 5 children yet, and 2) i am planning on marrying an aspiring tattoo artist. so, thank you for proving that you are, in fact, an asshole and that there was, in fact, nothing wrong with me while i was in high school.

it was no more painful than any other trip to the bar where i am forced to remain sober while everyone else gets hammered. the only difference this time is that i was molested by men that i used to play army with in their back yards.
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Nov. 27th, 2004 @ 09:37 am uncharacteristic fretting
Current Mood: scared
high school reunion tonight. and i'd be a huge liar if i said i was anything other than completely panicked. i haven't seen these people in 5 years, and with a few exceptions, i'm pretty happy with that arrangement. i wasn't terribly popular in high school. what i was was terribly uncomfortable with smatterings of abjectly miserable.

all through high school, i had basement level self esteem, was shy, and quiet. retiring. i wasn't a complete outcast or anything, no horrible Carrie-style tampon hurlings or blood soakings. i just felt...non-existant. like no one noticed or cared. i had friends, but if anyone thought i was really anything special (my mother not included), i sure as hell never noticed. my hair wasn't shiny, my skin wasn't clear and i didn't lose my puppy fat until i was 16. by that point, i had felt invisible and below average for so long that i didn't even notice that i had gotten pretty.

within a week of being away at college, i was a completely different person. loud, rambunctious, opinionated. confident. i had lots of friends and already had my choice of guys to get involved with (i chose the wrong one, of course, but that's a different panic attack).

now i'm engaged, i still have a lot of friends. i have a decent job where i'm well-respected despite being the youngest person in my department. there are even men at work who have expressed great disappointment over the aforementioned engagement. but for the first time in a long time, i'm worried about the shininess of my hair and about the small pimple that's cropped up on my jaw line. i'm terrified that the second i walk through that door i'll be 15 again.

so why am i going at all? because one of the few above mentioned exceptions has asked me to go so i can see a few more of those exceptions. and, because i'm melodramatic and slightly crazy, i've convinced myself that if i can get through the reunion with a certain degree of grace and dignity, that it will prove something, at least to me, about who i am. and i don't want to hide in my apartment from my past forever. there was nothing wrong with the girl i used to be. she was a normal teenage girl. but she as always a nice person (with the exception of the time i made my chem lab partner cry) and she was smart and sensitive and the root of the person i am now.

::sigh:: at least the reunion is in a bar. i'll be able to chain smoke and drink tequila, and hopefully laugh loudly enough so that no one will notice my terror.
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Nov. 26th, 2004 @ 06:02 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: rabid
I slept poorly last night. Yesterday’s celebratory gluttony filled my sleeping with syphilitic circus clowns and tap dancing river rats. The kind of stuff that bores into your brain and plants time delayed land mines in your skull. And sitting at work strung out on stimulants and listening to Iggy Pop mewl about bright and hollow skies really isn’t helping. Quite frankly, right now, I’d rather like to kick Iggy in the head and watch it explode like rotten fruit, splattering brain matter and sugary stick on everything within a 20-foot radius. In fact, I’d rather like to kick just about anyone in the head and watch it explode like rotten fruit.

Keep hands and feet and heads out of the cage at all times.
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Nov. 22nd, 2004 @ 09:39 pm Incidental Overdose
Julie smiled and reality softened. She had taken too many again, and later she would pay for it, staring sleepless at the ceiling from her single bed. But for now, there was peace. The other patients complained about the antidepressants, citing dulling to the point of flatness, regulated zombification. Often, they refused them, leaving untouched prescriptions dusty and forgotten in medicine cabinets until the point of commitment. And even then, they would tongue their meds, experts at allowing coatings to melt acrid in their mouths before sneaking to bathrooms and spitting untouched chemical cores into lidless toilets.

Julie never understood this, their stubborn insistence on taking their chances with strange demons rather than surrender to the pastel watercolor world of the medication's making. Julie took another. The room swam further away. She sat heavily on the tile floor, her back resting against the wall, her head just below the light switch. All she could feel now was the low ebb of nausea pulsing rhythmically deep in her stomach. Her ovaries twitched and fell silent.

Water rushed through pipes and she heard it faintly as if through layers of cotton batting, a soft alien murmur of comfort. Everything was benign. She decided to stop for now, the peace flowed through her, her blood replaced with warm, leaded Jello. Later she would need more, would have to weep for pharmacists and doctors, would have to sit under their hard eyes and promise to be better. But that was not now. Now there was just the soft buzz of the pale purple Zoloft world. Perhaps, she thought, the hope forcing the muscle contractions necessary to stand, perhaps they would hospitalize her again. She smiled at that, and with the thought of bartering extra doses of Thorazine for filterless cigarettes, Julie reached for another.
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Oct. 18th, 2004 @ 06:31 pm Monday
You struggle a week's worth of groceries out of your trunk: two cases of soda, cheese dip, Triscuits and five tins of Chef Boyardee. No wonder your ass is spreading. Three bags, two cases, one trip to your third floor walk up. All three bags looped over your left wrist, slowly spinning themselves tighter every time you move. Purse under your right arm, one case in each hand. Stand tip toe and close the trunk lid with the Pepsi.

Two neighbors see you wrestling with your purchases, creatively redistributing their weight so as to give yourself a fighting chance. And even though neither of them is carrying anything substantial, and even though both of them live on your floor, neither offers to help. They do, however, both flash you that squirrelly urbanite smile of recognition before scurrying off ahead of you.

You wonder where all the good samaritans have gone. But you already know. They're all dead, most of them under the wheels of city busses after shoving wayward children out of their paths. And you're quite certain that the little bastards spit on their bleeding corpses and that their cow mothers leveled posthumous accusations of pedophilia.

The bags around your left wrist are now almost unbearably tight, and the twisting of the plastic has given way to the shifting of the cans. Each time you take a step, those five tins of Chef Boyardee jockey for position, sliding the already too tight plastic over your wrist. The sound of bone rolling over bone is sort of nauseating and you wonder absently how much weight your wrist can take before it snaps.

You finally manage to get in the door and abandon cans and tins and cheeses at the front door as you head off in search of your pajamas. That ancient Robert Smith tee-shirt with dragon pants and fuzzy socks call out to you and you shrug them on. The apartment is empty and quiet, but you can still see where your friends were, you can smell them in the linens and the pants you loaned out are still where she left them. Your heart aches with the emptiness.

You scoff at yourself for your sentimentality as you jam cans of Dr. Pepper into the freezer. You grin at the thought of your mother's disapproval of your sugary caffeinated fizz. Between the threats of cancer and heart failure and the determined spread of your ass, it's the only vice you continue to justify. Although, at this moment, you wish it was the cigarettes you still clung to. Oh well, fuck it.

The kitchen timer goes off. Your soda is cold. You sit with your Triscuits and cheese dip and flash frozen can in front of your computer. You sink into the glare of free pornography and pay news sites.

Numb.
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